The World's Local Bank indeed…

(Originally published 13/11/07)

…if what they mean by ‘World’ is ‘village’, and by ‘Bank’ they mean ‘idiot’. Here is an extract of a conversation I just had with HSBC, member of the ‘Big Four’:

‘Hello…(insert words the gist of which mean they’ve screwed up royally and didn’t close my account as they said they would)…and as a result I’ve incurred several charges. What is the meaning of this? etc’

‘Well Miss England, by the looks of things your card has recently undergone a flurry of activity’

‘But how can that be? I CLOSED THE ACCOUNT. I cut up the card’

‘Well, for example, yesterday a charge was made to the card for £37 at a petrol station’

‘WHAT? That can’t be right!’

‘…and the day before a charge was made for £68 at Waitrose

WAITROSE!? Oh God. I think someone’s stolen my details. I’ve never been in a Waitrose in my life’

‘Are you sure?’

‘What’s the balance of the account presently?’

‘Are you sure you’ve never been into a Waitrose?’

‘Tell me the damn balance!’

‘Uh…£2434 overdrawn’




‘Hang on, this is Edwina Murry right?’




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