So less than 24 hours after having Virgin Broadband (XL) installed, I find myself storming around the house terrifying my housemates because I’m on deadline and I can’t get online.
Unable to locate a single piece of the seemingly endless paperwork they sent us in the previous weeks, I end up getting the ‘Broadband Helpline’ number (chargeable, naturally) from a friend and finding myself in a voice-recognition battle with a lifeless machine asking me for my landline number. DON’T HAVE A LANDLINE NUMBER. So I get cut off. Repeat. Get cut off. I then pit my wits against the machines by MASHING EVERY SINGLE BUTTON ON THE KEYPAD until I am given a set of options. Eventually I am put through to a human.
Me: Could you please give me a more direct phone number to contact you on, in case this happens again?
Virgin: I’m afraid not. The number you rang was correct.
Me: Yes, but I only got here by mashing buttons.
Me: So you’re saying that the only way I can contact you is by mashing the buttons on my mobile and hoping I get lucky?
Virgin: That is correct.
Me: By mashing buttons?
Virgin: Yes. Let me transfer you to tech support.
Brilliant. Enjoy our £30 a month, fucknuts.